Is this a ‘Family Dinner?’
It always sounds so good in the parenting books.
Family Dinner, we are told, is about the most important thing you can do for your kids. It will prevent delinquency and drug addiction, increase their developmental assets, and make your kids stellar students. As your family gathers around the table, you will bond in a spirit of family unity. Your children will share the details of their days, nay, of their very souls, as you bask in the glow of togetherness. Not since Reading Aloud has any parenting technique been so lauded. How can you not give this a try?
So, last year, I decided it was time to really give the Family Dinner a go. I asked Brett to get home a little earlier from work from now on. I prepared a nice meal and set the table. I think I even lit a candle. I called the kids.
Kid A saw the food and began screaming that he did not like ANY of these foods and would not eat them. Kids B and C said they did not like them either, even though they do.
“So, kids, tell us your high point and low point for today,” I said, cutting meat for three people. Kid D began to sing the Transformers theme (“Robots in disguise!”) Kid B and Kid C started yelling “Yo!” at each other across the table. Kid A reminded us he did not like the food. Kid C dissolved into soundless tears and would not say why. Kid E kept bouncing up to talk to someone else. By the time I finished giving Kid C more ketchup (the source of the tears), Kid B was out and needed more. Brett was still cutting chicken into tiny cubes. Kid E said, “My high point was –”
“Robots Eating Pies!!” sang Kid D.
Perhaps we just need a few more years before our Family Dinner dreams come true. In the meantime, the Sweeneys hope to serve as a source of comfort to others. If we give our friends and neighbors nothing but the comforting feeling of, “At least our Family Dinner isn’t as bad as the Sweeneys’,” we will have made a useful community contribution. Obviously we haven’t got this quite figured out yet, but here are a few things we have learned about the Family Dinner.
* Don’t expect too much when the kids are young. The mere mechanics of serving the food, pouring milk, wiping spills and performing the Heimlich maneuver are pretty all-consuming. If you all sit down together and no one chokes to death – it was a good meal.
* Don’t expect too much when the kids are old. Unless you only have one or two kids, they will all be competing for your attention and you will have your hands full distributing food. Set aside other times in the day for real conversations about their day when they have a chance to talk and you are able to fully listen.
* Don’t invest a lot of emotional energy in the “niceness” of the food. Like most moms, I secretly believed that my making a “nice” meal would make everyone behave nicer. My clinical studies have proven this is not the case. I cook with humility and hope for the best.
* Try adding a very simple ritual. For us, usually everyone gets their own plate and cup. If it’s a Family Meal, one kid sets the table which is a signal that we’re going to try to be more civilized. Or sometimes we light a candle or play background music (which seems to slightly decrease the need for robotic choruses). A prayer is good if you are religious.
* Try breakfast or lunch to start. The kids are fresher, not so wound up and you have a better chance of having an actual conversation. You can start with a weekly weekend brunch, for example, to see if you even have a shot at a decent Family Meal.
* Have a conversation plan. The most basic one is to ask for “high points” or “high and low points.” This seems to elicit better responses than “How was your day?” There are also conversation starter “Table Talk” card sets you can get.
I’m still trying to have faith in our Family Dinner. We do at least eat together most every night, and I hope that counts for something. Perhaps somehow, amid the chaos, it is still drawing us together. Us, and our dear friends, the Transformers.
Happy dinnering.