Hometown holiday crime report

You would think that as we embark on the months and weeks leading up to the holiday season the residents of the small community in which I was reared would be much better behaved. Honestly, there are simply not that many people still living there to be getting into so much trouble.

But, sigh, these are the actual, true-life, word for word reports from the police blotter of my childhood hometown. After each report, I will provide commentary and attempt to decipher the strange goings on, as only a native of such a community can do.

Take a swig of something strong if you must. Some of these are a little brutal.

Nov. 22 – A critter was reported running around in the empty swimming pool. An officer arrived and found a rat in the pool. - Rats make up one third of the population of my hometown. Larger population numbers give us more state funding. See, we ain’t that much dumber just ’cause we don’t live in Minneapolis or wear “store bought” underwear.

Nov. 24 – An officer was dispatched to an incident in downtown where a man walked out and punched another man’s pickup with his fists. The man’s knuckles were bleeding on his left hand. - Well, not everyone in town finished the sixth grade.

Nov. 27 – A woman said a female who was unknown to her walked up to her and slapped her in the face. There were no injuries. - This used to happen to my friends and me all the time. It’s called, “How the date usually ends.”

Nov. 28 – A man was asked to leave a store after saying that his cigarettes were made by terrorists. - Big deal. My wine is made by an enologist.

Dec. 2 – A woman found a goose on her doorstep. The DNR was called. An investigation found the goose was breasted out and placed on the doorstep. - I see why this woman was confused. Where I am from, it is customary to bring a breasted out goose instead of flowers on the second date. This woman must be new to town.

Dec. 4 – An odd man was hanging out at a store. He was exhibiting strange behavior and another patron stayed inside the store to be with the clerk until the man left. - My brother? One of my classmates? The local mortician? The possibilities are endless.

Dec. 4 – A small white dog that looked like a poodle was impounded. - No offense, but if it looks like a poodle, it’s usually a poodle.

Dec. 9 – An officer saw a woman standing near a small tree in the backyard of a residence at about 3 a.m. - That’s the lady who thinks she’s Charlie Brown. She visits all the small trees in town this time of year. She’s harmless.

Dec. 12 – An officer was called to a reported shoplifting incident at a local store. The suspect took some hair dye and concealed it under his jacket. - We have worked very hard to keep Wayne Newton outside the city limits but he keeps dancing, er, sneaking back in.

Dec. 14 – Officers were dispatched to a domestic disturbance. Two adult siblings had been fighting. The sister was upset with her brother and his fiancée because they had been living with her, along with their dog, and she has felt overwhelmed. - The interesting part is that the dog was the only one doing any housework.

Dec. 14 – A man said he ordered some items from a company through the mail but hadn’t received the items. - Someone should tell this guy that my hometown has not had postal service since 1972.

Dec. 17 – A woman was upset that her live-in boyfriend, who was drunk, had been harassing her. - You know, nothing brings home the warmth and love of the holiday season like an unstable, out-of-work, drunken boyfriend. Why, it’s right out of the pages of Good Housekeeping.

As you can see, crime and stupidity do not take a backseat during the holidays in my hometown. But as you can also probably tell, yearly city revenue from the local municipal liquor store continues to be a wonderful boon to the community.

Cheers, and have a great 2008.