Health club don’ts – part two

My last article that confronted boorish behavior at the post New Year’s resolution health club stampede garnered much reaction from my loyal readers.

I have thus decided to expand my original list of five troubling, disgusting health club habits to a total of 10. And if someone ticks me off enough later in the year, the list could grow.

Some of the feedback I received was very telling. For instance, my friend Steve is now attending a local club daily. Says he has lost 20 pounds. I am happy for him. But he is a classic middle-aged gawker. He told me he stays subtle while staring at the gals by wearing a pair of those strange sunglasses that have reflective reptile eyes on the lenses, like those guys wear who are on the world poker tour.

I have bad news for you Steve. Everyone in the joint knows you are still checking out every woman in the place. The drool on your shirt is a dead giveaway. Everyone knows you don’t work out hard enough for it to actually be sweat.

His neighbor is also hitting the club. Loves the atmosphere, but hates to work out. He has solved this personal dilemma by purchasing a nametag and a club trainer shirt. He now walks around and tells people “looking good” for a few hours each day. Whatever works, man.

So after a period of observation and reflection, I give you the next five commandments on my “don’t” list of health club behaviors.

1. When you select a weight machine, treadmill or bike, don’t move in for the entire winter. It is not uncommon to see a club member plop down on a favorite machine with a book, towel, water bottle, iPod, a cell phone, laptop, change of clothes and a sandwich. Then they proceed to do eight or nine slow sets, never leaving. Stop this behavior. Use the machine, wipe off the mustard and move on. Other people want to damage their rotator cuffs that day too.

2. You shall not talk to other club members during the workout. Health clubs are for working out, not planning a summer vacation to Des Moines with your best friend Pat. There is nothing worse than really kicking it hard on a bike or elliptical and being forced to listen to the guy next to you give a blow by blow account of how he lived with the gout all last summer. Say hi, be pleasant and be quiet. Remember, listening to you yap about your gout is not as motivating as listening to the new Fergie album.

3. If you have plans following your workout, clean up a bit. I hate it when I am standing in line at the coffee shop behind someone who smells like a landfill in August. If you had a good workout, fantastic. But at least change your shirt if you are now going out to run errands and expose yourself to the rest of the community. Let’s be honest. You didn’t smell that good before the workout. And now? Whoa hoochie momma.

4. Women should wear lots of layers. Treat every workout like you are running a half marathon when the temperature is 10 degrees. Heck, wear a snowmobile suit. Why? See reference to my friend Steve above. He needs to lose more weight and you are simply distracting him. He is weak. You are strong.

5. Grunting and other such noises are for other places, other occasions. If while lifting you find that you are making loud guttural noises or sounds resembling a wildebeest being taken down by a lioness, then you are lifting too much weight. Grunting makes other people in the club uncomfortable. I don’t know why, it just does. So stop it.

And finally, to my good friend Doug who chatted with me about the first five commandments the other night. I can’t believe another club member had to actually force you to throw your stinky shirt away. I don’t even know you anymore.

Eden Prairie resident Steven Stromberg’s humor column appears twice monthly.