Don’ t talk to me about sticker charts, or I might have to kill you.

I don’t know what it is about potty training, but for me it was one of the most irritating, frustrating tasks I undertook as a parent. I can’t claim any great success in this area either. None of my children were trained before the age of 2, and the process itself was not a joyful experience of toilet “learning” where my children were filled with pride as I clapped and called them a “big girl.” It was at best a time for me to plaster on a false grin and set timers to remind me to get the kids on the can, and at worst a vein-bulging experience where I had to go be by myself for a few minutes.

I’m going to assume that you already know the basics of toilet learning: wait until the child is ready (stays dry for extended periods), give praise and rewards, use potty books and videos, give them a comfortable size potty, etc. What follows is hard-won advice that I wish someone had told me in the beginning.

Ask for the help of your higher power. Potty training stirs up all kinds of feelings you may have about control – control of your kid (Who really controls a toddler?) and control of your life (again, not really there when you are at the mercy of small children). You don’t have control. Ask for serenity and give it your best anyhow.

Wait until your child is 4. OK, I know no one is going to make it that far, but waiting until 3 is a very good idea. You want your child to be really, really ready to give them the best chance of being successful quickly, before any negativity can become associated with the process. I’ve noticed the “onset of training” seems to lengthen with each child someone has. There’s got to be a good reason for that.

Develop a rock-solid reinforcement system ahead of time. Unless your child finds using the potty to be the funnest thing ever, say, more fun than continuing to watch a “Thomas the Tank Engine” video while wetting himself, you will have to make using the toilet fun by offering rewards. Whether it’s candy, small toys like Matchbox cars or stickers toward a big reward, you must find the lever that moves the world. The best time to do this is before starting – you don’t want to roll out the stickers the first time your kid uses the potty only to have him be unimpressed. Prepare for training by getting your child to do something else boring on command several times a day, for example, getting a glass of water and drinking it down, then reward that. This will give you an idea if he is in a cooperative phase, whether he “gets” the whole reward concept, and what will get him excited reward-wise. Transfer the same rewards to the new task of potty-learning, and he’ll already understand the drill.

Keep stools soft. Some kids achieve clean underwear by deciding not to ****** at all. This can eventually lead to a common condition called encopresis where kids lose the nerve sensation that tells them they need to go. Start a high-fiber diet prior to training to help avoid this. For kids, the key is to combine the fiber with abundant amounts of sugar, fat and salt (add bran to cake mix, serve a lot of fruit, make Chex mix, have the kid drink a lot of water). Keep monitoring after your child seems trained (especially if constipation or leaks occur) and consult your pediatrician if you have concerns.

Forget about nighttime training. Seriously, who cares? Some kids stay dry automatically at the same time they do in the daytime and others are wet until age 10 or 12. Most kids totally get the idea of only wearing a diaper at night. Let the poor kid sleep and work on it again in a couple of years if it doesn’t happen automatically.

Get a Spot-Bot. Your potty stress level will go down if you can accept that your child has no investment in the condition of your carpets and furniture – but at least Spot-Bot cares. Fill it, set it and walk away.

With five kids, I can tell you that how your potty training experience goes is much more about the kind of kid you got than anything you do as a parent. If it really doesn’t go well, don’t hesitate to talk to your pediatrician. There are also specialists in the Twin Cities who can help. The one good thing about potty training is that it’s like labor – excruciating at the time, but quickly forgotten. When you’re finally done, give yourself a sticker for a job well endured.

Deb Sweeney is an Eden Prairie parent of five children ages 4 to 11. You can submit a topic or question to Deb at realparent100@yahoo.com. Sweeney’s column appears the third week of the month.